How "I have to....." Sabotages You

I had a profound discovery recently as I was being coached by a peer in a coaching program: my brain is hooked on the phrase "I have to..."! I was shocked to see the results of this thinking. Tune in as Marchelle and I discuss how to notice and respond to these thoughts and what to do to lessen the anxiety they create!

Some of this weeks episode highlights are:

7:50 If you have a lot of anxiety as you're going through this weight loss journey, it's not going to create lasting change. Okay? So, I say this a lot and I'm going to say it again. How you talk to yourself really, really, really, really matters.

17:48 So I'm, I'm really working at retraining my brain off of the have to thoughts and onto the I want to thoughts and those, I want to thoughts helped me feel empowered and motivated, not anxious. And when I'm feeling motivated and empowered, I can accomplish amazing things. So, for those of you who are just getting started out, notice if you have ‘have to’ thoughts about food, don't beat yourself up about it, just notice it. And I would just caution anyone listening to just pay attention. And, you know, notice if you're having any of these disempowering thought patterns and don't beat yourself up about it. But just be glad you noticed it. And don't expect overnight change.

24:43 I always say the weight-loss journey done well is a journey of self exploration and self understanding. And it will serve you, not just in your ability to lose weight and keep it off, but it will serve you in all other aspects of your life. It's gonna serve you in your relationships. It's gonna serve you in your occupation. It's going to serve you in your future. You can use your weight loss journey as a jumpstart, to a whole new life if you do it right.

--- Full Raw Transcription Below ---

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (00:00)

You are listening to the, Keep The Weight Off podcast with Dr. Angela episode number 42.

Introduction: (00:07)

Welcome to the, Keep The Weight Off podcast, where we bust all the dieting myths and discovered not just how to lose weight, but more importantly, how to keep it off. We go way beyond the food and we use science and psychology to give you strategies that work. And now your host, Dr. Angeles Zechmann.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (00:27)

Hey everyone. And welcome back to the podcast today. Hey Marchelle. How's it going today?

Marchelle: (00:34)

It's going okay. I'm going to be honest. It's been bit of a struggle today, so yeah, I'm doing okay though now. Okay, good. Excellent.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (00:44)

Well, I am super excited because I want to talk to you and to our listeners about an experience that I had recently that really shook me to the core. Well, now that I'm thinking about it, it didn't shake me to the core. It just gave me, I mean, I'm being a little bit dramatic. It gave me a new awareness that I think is profound and I wanted to share it with everyone because I think it's going to help all of us. So, Marchelle, you know, that I'm in a Life Coach Certification Program, right. And actually I'm already certified now. So I'm really thrilled about that.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (01:26)

And one day I was being coached by one of my peers in the coaching program about my business. And he pointed out to me something that my brain does that I didn't even realize. And it was fascinating to me. So what he noticed, as he just listened to me talk and he took notes as to what I was saying, he noticed that I was constantly saying to myself, I have to. So for example, I have to show up more on social media. I have to get better organized. I have to figure out blah, blah, blah, whatever it might've been. And on and on and on with all of these ‘have to’ thoughts. And he actually showed me his notes and he put, he took a red marker and he marked all of the have to’s that I had just kept been saying over and over again.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (02:24)

And it was fascinating to me because, as it turns out, these have to thoughts, create a lot of anxiety for me. Now it might not be have to all the time, sometimes it's I should, or I need to, but those are the kinds of thoughts that we're talking about. And they were creating a lot of anxiety and the anxiety would cause me to spend a lot of my brain energy ruminating, so thinking, thinking the same thoughts over and over again, or worrying, and then I'd do, what's called buffering. So buffering is where you distract yourself. You do something to distract yourself from those ruminating and worrying thoughts. So for example, I would go get on Facebook or I'd go check my email or I'd go find something to eat, or I'd go find something to drink. And then the result of all of this is that I would get nothing done and I would have no freedom.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (03:24)

And then the have to thoughts would come back and keep going on and on. It's sort of, it sort of turns into like this vicious cycle. So, my peer coach showed me just how detrimental these have to thoughts can be. They really wreak havoc in my life. And the interesting thing is, I had absolutely no idea that I was doing this until he pointed it out to me. This is the beauty of having a coach who can help you look objectively at the way your own brain works. Because they can see from the outside what's going on inside of you, if you have the right kind of coach. And as a matter of fact, this is something that we are going to be doing in our Journey Beyond Weight Loss community. Because, let's think about this when it comes to our weight loss journey. Like have you ever had have to thoughts as far as your food goes? Like I'm asking you Marchelle?

(04:25)

Yeah. All the time, yeah, I'm think, you know, like I, but for me it sets me up for perfectionism. Like,I feel like I have to do this and I have to do that and I have to do this and it has to be perfect or I fail. And so it sets me up for some super high unrealistic expectations. And then I start worrying and worrying and worrying about it. And then I end up failing because I want to distract myself with snacks. Yep. Because that's like something that, you know, it's something I've always done and yeah, the, I must do things or I have to do this and I have to do that. It's just like constant worry. And it always sets me up for distracting myself. Well, sometimes it's drinking, but you know, a lot of times it's, you know, it's distracting myself with food.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (05:14)

Yeah. Yeah. So, for example, like, I recommend a good serving of protein with each meal. So, for women, that's three servings of protein every day and four servings of protein a day for men. And so like, listeners, just ask yourself, are you telling yourself I have to eat all this protein? And if you're telling yourself that, how does that make you feel when you say that to yourself? Remember, because what happens is your feelings are going to drive your behavior and that's what's going to create your outcome. Right?

Marchelle: (05:53)

I feel like a lot of peoples feel like, and I've talked to some patients about this, especially like after the first month. And they feel like they've set themselves up for failure because there's not possible for them to reach those goals right away. Right. Instead of just making small goals, you know, and having small successes it's, I didn't do everything that I was supposed to do. So I had a horrible month. Right. And then they're, and of course, and they are stressed out and worried.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (06:24)

And they get discouraged. So, the feeling would be discouragement and then they would be not able to focus very well. And then the results, the results, aren't what they could be. So, I remember being on all on diets in the past, and I was thinking, you know, I have to follow this plan or I'm not going to lose weight. You know? And I actually, I've done really extreme things in the past. I even dieted for a figure contest once. Did you know that Marchelle? I was in a figure competition once. And that was something that was really, really difficult and very hard on my body. And I'm never, ever, ever going to do it again. And I don't recommend anybody ever does this sort of thing.

Marchelle: (07:05)

I did see the pictures though. You did the gorgeous,

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (07:08)

Well, you can bet that I was telling myself all kinds of have to do’s as I was going through that process. Did I lose the weight I needed to lose in order to stand in front of a group of judges in a bikini? Yes, I did. Did I keep the weight off? Absolutely not because my have to thinking got the weight off, but it didn't create any lasting change in me. Why not? Because I wasn't going to live in that constant anxiety around food for the rest of my life. Like, I kind of knew it was just temporary anyway. So, that's what I want you to think about if you are going through this weight loss journey. If you have a lot of anxiety as you're going through this weight loss journey, it's not going to create lasting change. Okay? So, I say this a lot and I'm going to say it again. How you talk to yourself really, really, really, really matters.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (08:10)

So just think about the things that you say to yourself. And if you're not sure, here's a little, here's a little something you can do. Just sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and just start writing down what it is that you're thinking. And this is actually called a thought download. Just download all of those thoughts onto paper and keep writing until you run out of new thoughts. Once you start noticing that you're writing the same thing over and over again, you can stop. And then just examine what you've written. Look for phrases like, I have to, or I should, or I need to, and then ask yourself, how do these thoughts make you feel? Do they cause you to feel or anxious or stressed? Do they cause you to feel motivated? However they make you feel, this is going to drive your behavior, which is going to create your results. I can pretty much guarantee that have to, or should, or need to thoughts are not going to drive the kind of behavior that's going to create results.

Marchelle: (09:16)

Yeah. And another thing I wanted to add too, is like, with that, with saying that to yourself, it's like, you feel like you have to have control over everything. Yeah. I have to have control. I have to do this. I have to do that. Well, much of what happens in life is because of sheer chance. We can't make 100% accurate predictions. Right. That's not how life works. Right. So instead of crawling back into bed and, you know, putting your head under the covers, you have to learn how to be resilient and talk to ourselves positively and not give ourselves self blame and guilt because then, of course, it makes things worse, right. So we just have to sometimes accept that, you know, we want, we want to get things done and we have good intentions to get things done. But a lot of things that happened is that our control and we just have to keep on going, even if we don't do everything perfect.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (10:11)

Right. We have to keep on going. See how pervasive it is?

Marchelle: (10:19)

Yeah. We have to keep on, keep on going.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (10:26)

Yeah. Well, you know, I discovered that all of this have to thinking was really creating so much stress and anxiety. But, does that mean I've stopped it? I wish. Like, no, this is a brain habit that runs really deep. And I suspect it started in grade school and maybe even earlier than that. So that's over 50 years ago for me of have to thinking. 50 years worth. So, this is like a freeway in my brain with cars going 90 miles an hour all day, every day. It's not likely that I'm going to be able to shift this after one 30 minute coaching session. Right?

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (11:07)

But.

Marchelle: (11:07)

So can I ask you a question? So when you're saying you, you were talking to your coach about, and you're saying, you know, I have to, I have to, what, what was, what was behind that? Is it because you, do you feel like you have to be successful at everything. And so the, I have to, I have to have to leads to success or what? So, what exactly is behind that?

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (11:30)

Like why do I have to?

Marchelle: (11:31)

Yeah, why do you, why do you say you have to have to have to? What is it because you're, you have a goal that you're going towards or you just feel like you have to be successful at everything or that you have to control everything. I mean, where does that come from exactly?

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (11:44)

Yeah. That's a good question. For me it's the way that I think my brain does that have to patterning because it's cause that's, it's, it's very ingrained and it's the way that I was able to achieve goals. And that's why I think it happens starting in grade school. Because I think in grade school, I started to think I have to get my homework done. And then as I went through school and I started jobs and it was just the way that I motivated myself to get my work done as I was going through life. So, and, and I remember being in medical school and, you know, they'd be like, they'd be giving you all kinds of assignments and stuff. And so in my brain was just, I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to. And then I would like not do it until the last minute when I really absolutely had to do it. So, I mean, I would rebel against the have to thinking too. So….

Marchelle: (12:43)

I think that one thing that happened to me when I started thinking, you know, the, I have to, I have to, I started to lose a sense of who I was. A lot of like the, I have to’s I have to is from, you know, wanting love or acceptance from others. I want to be loved and accepted. Right. And so if I had an expectation a lot of times, you know, I have to do this for this person. I have to get this done or I have to, you know, make the right move because I wanted to maybe impress or get some validation from someone else. And the more that I did that in my life, I just started to lose myself of, my sense of self, my identity. And and that is something that I'm working on a Journey Beyond Weight Loss is kind of like, you know, getting that back.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (13:31)

Yeah. Yeah. I think we do tell ourselves these things as a way of getting approval for, from other people. You're absolutely right. Very profound, very profound. I'm so proud of you, Marshall. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. So you're telling yourself, you have to do things in order to get approval and love from other people.

Marchelle: (13:57)

I was thinking of my mother when I was just saying,

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (14:00)

Yeah, yeah. And so then you're kind of left with all of these obligations, right? And it's like, wait a minute here. Where did I, whatever happened to what I want, you know? Yeah. Who am I? Who am I anymore? I don't even know who myself, I don't even know myself anymore. And so then you end up. Yeah. Yeah. So when you start to notice these patterns in your brain and you start to notice why it happens, why it happens, I, I just want you and our listeners to understand, like it's not going to shift on a dime, right? You'll, you, we will be working on this. The more you notice it, the more you're going to notice the results of this kind of thinking. Then, and the more you see how it affects you, then the more willing you will be to shift it for sure.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (15:00)

But I don't want anybody to expect that it's going to happen on a dime. It will take some time. So, for example, I'm working at developing new ways of thinking. So, for example, when I think about food, it's easy for me by now. I don't have any have to thinking about food anymore. I just eat food that nourishes me. And I don't ever have thoughts, like I have to avoid donuts because by now I have this identity that I don't eat things that are not going to nourish my body.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (15:33)

And I enjoy nourishing my body with vegetables. They're so flavorful and they're colorful and they're delicious. I enjoy eating protein. So, there are very few have to’s around food in my life right now, which is a huge shift from when I, all of those dieting years when I was, I have to eat this and I have to eat that, or I'm not going to be skinny for the contest or whatever. But I have other things that, that I'm working on with my have to’s. So, in regards to work and in regards to relationships, and I'm working on all of this self-talk and learning to speak to myself differently. And I'm learning to coach myself in a really loving way. And I'm giving my brain new thoughts to think and new pathways to develop. So, for example, I'm saying things like, I don't have to go to work today. I don't. I don't have to go to work. I could call in,

Marchelle: (16:26)

I'm going to have to practice that one

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (16:28)

I could call in and I could say, I'm not going to be there today. But, the truth is I actually want to go to work because I enjoy my work. I really do. And what would I do if I wasn't going to work? Like, I'd be bored, sick. I'd be sitting around at home. I really enjoy getting out of bed every morning and knowing that I have someplace to go where I can see people and make a difference. Right?

Marchelle: (16:54)

I definitely have to work on this one because, yeah, because to me just work is, has always just been work. You know, you've got to get up and you've got to go to work. But I actually too, love my job. And I think that I would wake up probably in a much better mood if I, if I had that attitude instead of I have to get up and go to work and today, I wish it was Saturday. Yeah. Then you know, just looking, cause once I get there, you know, I am having those thoughts of how much I love being there. But just as you were talking about this, I was remembering like on Thursday more, every Thursday, I'm like, man, I don't want to go to work today. I'm tired and I have to do this and have to do that. And yeah. And it just like really ruined my morning. So that's a good thing to point out.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (17:41)

Yeah, you don't have to go to work. You, you will want to go to work when you start retraining your brain to think differently. So I'm, I'm really working at retraining my brain off of the have to thoughts and onto the, I want to thoughts and those, I want to thoughts helped me feel empowered and motivated, not anxious. And when I'm feeling motivated and empowered, I can accomplish amazing things. And it's all good. You know? So, for those of you who are just getting started out, notice if you have, ‘have to’ thoughts about food, don't beat yourself up about it, just notice it. And I would just caution anyone listening to just pay attention. And, you know, notice if you're having any of these disempowering thought patterns and don't beat yourself up about it. But just be glad you noticed it. And don't expect overnight change.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (18:43)

Awareness is always the first step. So, if you sit down and you write, you know, several days in a row and you notice the same thoughts, keep coming up over and over again, the awareness is the key. And once you become aware of exactly what these disempowering thought patterns are creating for you, you're naturally going to want to shift them. And so you just want to give yourself grace. You want to give yourself time and you just want to work at turning that freeway going 90 miles an hour into more of a wagon train road and turn the more self-empowering thoughts into the 90 mile an hour path. But it does take time.

Marchelle: (19:29)

Yeah. Because your brain is going to try everything that it could do to keep you inside your comfort zone, which is like for me is, you know, the, the fast track to what feels good, you know, and what's going to be easy. And, and I've noticed, I mean, it, it does happen, but you have to really be conscious about, you know, and really practice. Because to me it feels a little uncomfortable at first to, you know, talk to myself nicely or to you know, make a new habit like you were talking about the, you know, the jar.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (20:02)

Oh yeah.

Marchelle: (20:03)

The urge jar. Yeah. You know, like, I don't know if anybody's done that to listened to the podcast.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (20:08)

We talked about that on a podcast a couple of weeks ago.

Marchelle: (20:11)

Yeah. It's, It's uncomfortable at first. It feels weird, you know, but after awhile it's, you started to make these new pathways and it starts to work and and this is pretty cool. Yeah.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (20:25)

Yeah. So, I think, I think probably a lot of us are carrying around a lot of extra stress and that we don't necessarily have to carry around because our brains are constantly in these thought patterns. You know, it's like, wouldn't it be great if we could just all get a lobotomy and we could just retrain our brains with new thought patterns that weren't always beating us, beating us up all the time. So yeah. So, we can do it.

Marchelle: (20:54)

Yeah. I definitely just, I would just wish that I would have been aware so much longer ago about the fact that I did not have to listen to all the crap that I was telling myself. Yeah. That it was, it was a lie that it wasn't true because I have always been my own worst enemy. And even most of us are even the the of the world is like, no, you know, you're doing great. Or, you know, you're doing awesome. In my head I've always been so critical. And I think it's really held me back from doing a lot of things that I might have been able to do in the past. I mean, it's never too late of course. But I mean, learning this, learning this information is so valuable.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (21:33)

So, any of our listeners, if you're in your teens or your twenties, like listen to these podcasts over and over and over again, and really get your brain set straight while you're young. Because we're in our, we're in our fifties now and so we're like trying to retrain our brains. It's still possible. But you know, if you had less time where you were having a lot of self critical thoughts and more time where you were having coaching thoughts and where you were thinking things about I get to do this, or I'm so grateful that I have this capacity to be able to, you know, to run a race or whateve. There's lots of ways of thinking that will be much more helpful to you as you're in this journey.

Marchelle: (22:16)

Yeah, for me, what I literally had to do was download this positive affirmation app on my phone. I had a hard time even thinking of anything because I was so used to, you know being critical and, and you know, going back to the, I have to, and you know, I must be this. And and then if it doesn't happen, you know, then, oh, you know, you're not good enough for you to, you know, you're not worthy. So one of the first things I'd do is just download this app and just start reading something else that somebody wrote so that you know I could get my brain going in that direction. Yeah. So that, yeah, that was one of the tools that I used. And, and it has.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (22:56)

Yeah. Sometimes your brain is gonna like completely say no, that's not true. There's nothing about what you just said. That's true. Your brain is going to rebel against it.

Marchelle: (23:05)

Definitely.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (23:05)

But you can use what's called bridge thoughts. So, for example, let's say you decide that you're going to start telling yourself how much you love yourself every day. Like, your brain is going to totally rebel against that because most of us have been talking, you know, talking to ourselves all day every day with non blabbing thoughts. And so, so a bridge thought would be something like I'm looking forward to learning how to love myself.

Marchelle: (23:35)

That would be, that would be a good one. Yeah.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (23:37)

Yeah. I'm hopeful that one day I'll really have much more positive thoughts about myself. Those are bridge thoughts, right. And so you can use those to kind of bridge the gap between the sort of self-critical thoughts that you have right now. And the thoughts that you want to create that are going to really serve you well for the future.

Marchelle: (23:59)

And you find this where on Journey Beyond Weight Loss.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (24:05)

Yeah. We talk about all this stuff in Journey Beyond Weight Loss.

Marchelle: (24:09)

And I wish that everybody in the world could do Journey Beyond Weight Loss because it's such a game changer when it comes to, because I think so many of us have gotten so used to just the negative self-talk all day long, or thinking negative about others or just every situation. And we're so self critical and just the way that we have become. And, and if we all just could learn this, you know, this way of self-love and self-care the world would be such a better place to live in.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (24:43)

Well, I always say the weight-loss journey done well is a journey of self exploration and self understanding. And it will serve you, not just in your ability to lose weight and keep it off, but it will serve you in all other aspects of your life. It's gonna serve you in your relationships. It's gonna serve you in your occupation. It's going to serve you in your future. It really, you can use your weight loss journey as a jumpstart, to a whole new life. If you do it right. If you stop the crazy dieting and you do it, right.

Marchelle: (25:27)

So, what goes into your body is a vital aspect of your existence.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (25:34)

Yeah. But what's going on in your head has to shift too. So yeah. So that's what we're about. So, all right. I think that is good for this week. I think this was awesome, even though you weren't quite feeling all up to, up to snuff you, it was great Marchelle.

Marchelle: (25:50)

So, the idea was this, I just want, how do I say it? I wong it.

Dr. Angela Zechmann: (25:56)

You winged it. And did you winged it? Yeah. See. So even when we're not feeling all that great, we can still do powerful work. So, all right. So, keep up the good work all of you listeners out there and make sure that you share this with your friends. You can even take a picture of the podcast and post it on your Facebook page or your Instagram page and let everybody else know that you found something that is helpful. And we will look forward to talking to you all next week. Take care. Bye now,

Marchelle: (26:30)

Goodbye.

Closing: (26:31)

Okay. If you really want to lose weight and keep it off for good, your next step is to sign up for Dr. Angela's free weight loss course, where you're going to learn everything you need to get started on your weight loss journey, the right way, just head over to journey beyond weight loss.com/free course to sign up. Also, it would be awesome. If you could take a few moments and write a review on iTunes. Thanks. And we'll see you in journey beyond weight loss.

Dr. Angela

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